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jigsaw pieces

i remember when i first started doing this LJ thing with my hidden journal that i developed a small friends list of people i didn't know, and i felt free to write about anything at all because i didn't know them... it felt safe to vent or reveal my deepest thoughts to people that were complete strangers because there wouldn't really be any consequences. So a lot of those entries were big thought entries - long, winding entries that explained in great detail what the thought was, where it came from, where it was leading to.

the beginning of this journal was like that too, but ever since i picked up a larger audience that actually Cares About Me, the funciton of the journal has changed, which i've already written about fairly recently, but i mention it again because of something else i've discovered about how i feel about it. an addendum, if you will.

any kind of interaction you have with an individual, a group, etc. paints only a partial picture of who they are. just because you know something about them or have learned something about them doesn't mean that you *know* them.

it can be easy to forget that when it comes to casual hangouts, but it can be even easier to forget that when you have deep conversations with someone or you get a slice of their thoughts, such as LJ. Even though you read my entries and i read your entries and it makes us understand each other more, there's still a lot that's missing - LJ paints an incomplete picture that can be easily mistaken for a complete one.

more and more i discover that giving someone an incomplete picture is a comfortable feeling. let me rephrase that. more and more i discover that giving someone the opportunity to see my *complete* picture is a really uncomfortable feeling. and that's only natural, but it has side effects, the biggest one being that i'm more likely to hide my inner thought persona with those that i interact with on a daily basis, and i'm more likely to hide my day-to-day life persona with those that i share my innermost thoughts with.

the thought occurs that "maybe this is why i do better at long distance relationships," but that thought gets easily quashed because while that might be a contributor, i know for a fact that that's not the Main Reason.

maybe those two worlds need to mesh more. but i have to put more thought into it.

anyway. if i die by the end of the day, you can all blame rachel's mongolian oil.

Comments

( read spoken (4) — speak )
ex_scorppoe
May. 12th, 2004 02:38 pm (UTC)
We are on the same page once again. Well, except for that very last bit about dying.
lifeofmendel
May. 12th, 2004 02:42 pm (UTC)
go figure. :)
(Deleted comment)
eversorachel
May. 12th, 2004 04:59 pm (UTC)
ohhhh. that hurts, man. tell everybody who's fault it is if you die. then they're all gonna hate me. thanks. ;p

but i hope it doesn't kill you. 'cause that would be bad.
( read spoken (4) — speak )

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