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i'm lacking focus...

so i'm going to turn preformatting off and just type.

life is a mess right now. i'm not going to talk about it to an audience of sixty people. it's not that i don't trust most of you or care about random stragglers, but it's just not in my nature to talk about my problems as a cry for help or a desire for specific sympathy. getting hugs and support is what i need, and i appreciate what i got, both spoken and unspoken. i am nothing without my friends. but i don't want help or pity, for reasons that i've talked about already in my LJ history, so too bad for those that are more recent because you guys miss out.

right now i'm writing as an open book. rtia goes back to her earlier entries and thinks about deleting them. i don't do that. i don't look back... i see these as etched in stone, which in one way is good, but in another way is bad because it can make me more cautious about what to write in the first place. but i also know that if i delete one entry or if i decide to make one private entry, there'll be no going back. one of the reasons i started this lj in the first place was to put my feelings out on the table, to show all parts of me, the good, the bad, the ugly... and how i deal with it. how having an audience affects my written word and how much that is an analogy with my real life.


i wonder if there's ever a time where i can write in here and forget that i have an audience, not go through my filter. the first journal i had, i had no one on my friends list for a long time. i'm pretty sure that people read some of it, but i didn't know for *sure*, so i could write under this illusion that the journal was private... or no... i could write under the illusion that my audience was anonymous, not anyone that actually *cared* about me or could judge me or saw me or would ever have anything to do with me so therefore i wouldn't have the ability to hurt them, because if you don't know already, i hurt *everyone* i get close to.

or at least i held that mentality pretty strongly a year or so ago. it still comes back and bites me and gets in my way - causes me to be oversensitive and paranoid.

a long time ago in my other journal, i wrote this big stream of consciousness entry that was designed to filter out the people that had no patience for reading long rambly entries that had no focus, and then somewhere at the bottom i wrote about what was really going on. at the time, i think it was "minna is really close to commiting suicide" or something similar. come to think of it, i don't just treat it that way in order to filter out the casual reader, i also do it for my own safety - i tend to do that in my writing and also in real life... bend around a sensitive topic, not avoid it, but try to reach it in a way that's lighter than it really is so i can deal with it better.

trigun is on now, and it's distracting my stream of consciousness entry. damn vash the stampede.

blarg. i'm hungry.

*sigh* yeah. fucking shit, man. i'm definitely in my everyone-needs-to-stay-away-from-me kind of mode. too bad there aren't that many people, if any right now, that know how to deal with me enough to pull me out of this kind of funk. i'm a particular person. an oversensitive, overemotional, needy, particular person. don't pity me, don't try too hard to help me. for your own safety.

pfft. okay. i think i made myself feel worse, so i'm going to stop now. maybe i should have stuck to playing poker on yahoo.

i'll probably forget about this entry in a week or so. it's the curse of my short term memory. i wonder what it would be like to go back and read all of my entries. it'd be a pain once it got into "day" vs. "20 entries". i wish i could just print it all out at once.


i need to shed layers. trust people to... be hurt by me, and still accept and want to be hurt by me because it's worth it to them. because *i'm* worth it to them.


"love and peace!"


okay. there you go. glimpse into mendel's mind. not worth much, huh.

pfft. *self-mocking smile*

Comments

( read spoken (3) — speak )
ex_scorppoe
May. 30th, 2004 08:40 am (UTC)
Still here. *smiles*

And Mendel, it's worth a lot. *smiles again*
mmmbopthis
May. 30th, 2004 09:36 am (UTC)
*hugs*

sometimes life sucks and we can't unsuck it.

and that's the end of my 9 am intellectual mind.

amelia
eldoles
May. 30th, 2004 10:24 am (UTC)
Hmmmm.....my response to funk is to offer to feed you....pro'ly won't help! But you are definitely worth anything.... If you every need bunny-therapy, lemme know. You don't even need to talk to us when you come over...
( read spoken (3) — speak )

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