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glarg.

something in me broke driving back from k&l's tonight. so much of my life is such a steady pressure right now, and i don't see a release anywhere in the near future.

there's this general philosophy i hold that if i don't expect anything, then i won't be disappointed. everything will be a pleasant surprise.

i know that i'm not alone. i know that i have support from a lot of people. but sometimes i still *feel* alone, and that feeling can wash over me sometimes with such strength that it makes me collapse.

i have this instinct right now to call someone, message someone, reach anyone to just offer me some sort of stability... sojmeone who i can trust with this deep loneliness and despair that i've been feeling but supressing that leaked itself out driving home. but i don't know who to call, who to trust - especially right now at this time of night.

maybe if i continue learning how to deal with it myself, i won't expect anyone to be there, and then when someone is there, it'll be all the better.

of course there's a flaw in that, but i'm deliberately blinding myself to that flaw at the moment.

*sigh* i should have played DDR today. or something. i don't know what to do right now. i don't feel like playing iidx. maybe i'll lose myself in some poker before hitting some troubled slumber.

*deep breath*. okay. i feel better now from when i first started this entry to the end. i'm not going to think about it too much unless i feel safe, and i don't right now.

wow. mark's leftover food smells really bad right now.

Comments

( read spoken (9) — speak )
foxtr841
Jun. 7th, 2004 12:43 am (UTC)
You should call Mark fat. Calling people fat makes me feel better :>

XD Kidding <3 I hope you feel better :( *throws cookie at you with flailing movements*
mmmbopthis
Jun. 7th, 2004 12:47 am (UTC)
fuck everything. Let's go watch a movie.
lifeofmendel
Jun. 7th, 2004 12:51 am (UTC)
hehe. right now?
mmmbopthis
Jun. 7th, 2004 12:52 am (UTC)
I was half joking, half serious. I don't really want to do this hw stuff, but I really need to. And I wouldn't be very fun at this hour anyway. Grr...mopey/insecure/tire/frazzled. I feel your pain.
lifeofmendel
Jun. 7th, 2004 12:54 am (UTC)
i figgered, sweetie.

*hugs*

you're in my thoughts. and you're wonderful.
mmmbopthis
Jun. 7th, 2004 12:55 am (UTC)
you always have something positive to say to lighten my mood. Thank you for being in my life!

I hope you're feeling better yourself. Love is fickle.

Kick her.

<33333
lifeofmendel
Jun. 7th, 2004 12:59 am (UTC)
*wry smile* oh... i can't do that.... no matter how bitter i may be, you know?... i'm just... i dunno.

*shrug* whatever right now. i'm multitasking on about 3457893675068794 conversations right now, so i'm doing okay.

and thank you. *hugs*
mmmbopthis
Jun. 7th, 2004 01:00 am (UTC)
any time. we should hang out before I leave. that would be swell.
(Deleted comment)
( read spoken (9) — speak )

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