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unspoken parallels

not even six months ago, i never would have thought i would want to get married, have kids, have a family. not beacuse i don't think that stuff is valuable, but it just didn't seem to fit me. i am a polyamorous person by nature. i don't get easily jealous. i don't think that society's idea of marriage and commitment to one person for the rest of your life is the only path.

kim changed all of that. i'm still a strong advocate of polyamory, but because of her i realized that i could feel happy living a more typical lifestyle of kids, family, etc... at least with her.

now, i don't know what to think. i feel myself reverting somewhat to polyamory as a... lifestyle choice as opposed to an ideal, but it's not the same. you can never go back.

i ran into one of my old students at the UofO today at Fred Meyer. She's an older student that was just getting some sort of music minor or something. She has a husband and two kids, and they were food shopping. I saw her two kids, saw the family together in some sort of happy realm, and i thought, "i want that," and then i had to ask myself if that's *really* what i wanted.

i don't have that answer, but i'm not really looking for one right now. i need to take it a one day at a time, and need to make sure i don't rush anything one way or the other.

i should have known better than to pick up the phone when she called. i was already vaguely fucked up from seeing the family so i wasn't in a great space to talk to her anyway, and i wasn't in a safe environment (the back seat of the car).

thankfully, michele and tyler saved the day.

i wonder how many poly relationships involve kids.

*shakes head* i had planned on writing a much more organized entry here about what's been buzzing around my head, but i'm fekking exhausted. time to do a much needed update of NNR scores and then get some sleep.

Comments

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catbus
Jun. 30th, 2004 11:41 am (UTC)
I'm kind of on the same boat concerning thoughts of polymary vs. marriage stuff. Although, it's somewhat different... sometimes I want a relationship, but I don't know if I could try and keep exclusive feelings for one person.
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