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this isn't a real entry.

it's 3:30 and i feel the need to write, even though i don't know what to write about.

Kurt gave me the CD for the Monkey concert tonight, and i'm kind of afraid to listen to the piece that I wrote. not because i think it's going to be a bad recording or anything, but i'm afraid that i'm going to like it too much and it's going to bring up emotions that i'm trying to lock away.

i mean, the piece was about optimism. The piece was about how happy i was to be in this relationship. It felt like one of the best things i've ever written, and now it tastes so bitter in my mouth.

I remember during one rehearsal of the piece, all of us felt so moved. The pacing was *exactly* right, the mood was so perfect. We were all in this special space of being able to collectively understand how to bring the intention of the piece out, and because of what the piece meant to me at the time, i felt so happy that it was a success that i almost cried.

now that feeling is so foreign to me. i'm not happy to have her in my life as a friend right now, much less a life partner. i don't feel optimistic about almost anything when it comes to my own life right now. i think about why i wrote the piece, what i tried to convey, and it seems so far away, a part of my past, something i've already decided to look past and discard.

I used to have text messages from her that i saved because they made my heart swell whenever i looked at them. I had voicemail messages she left me when she still had that sparkle in her voice, the one that was totally and utterly devoted to me and so happy with me.

Slowly i've started deleting all of those things because it's so painful to hear and see, a constant reminder of how she used to feel or how she thought she felt, and it makes me want to throw this piece away, this brilliant fucking piece i wrote for her, because i'm afraid that if i look at it again, hear it again - either in my head or on CD - that it'll tap into those emotions and remind me of how we both felt about each other.

God, i suck. Why are all of you not sick to death of hearing this? fuck this. i should have just gone to bed.

Comments

( read spoken (2) — speak )
ex_ilovetheb284
Jul. 5th, 2004 12:03 pm (UTC)
Jeez. The worst part of relationships and love (as great as they are) is losing them. I completely empathize with what you're feeling right now. Though it may take years, there will come a time when the brilliant piece of yours will be just a brilliant piece without the attachment.

They say that time heals all wounds but it sucks waiting for time to take its course. You have friends who care about you a lot and are willing to help you pass that time.

</ cheezy>

♥ N
ex_scorppoe
Jul. 5th, 2004 08:10 pm (UTC)
So what makes a real entry then?
( read spoken (2) — speak )

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