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for those that aren't sick of this yet....

i just got off the phone with her, and to make a short story shorter, i told her i needed a break. so barring extreme emergency, the next time i'm going to call her is in the beginning of september.

The slightly longer version is that we started off talking about normal things, catching up on the past couple of days, which was okay, i suppose. Then towards the end right as i was about to say, "i should probably go," she asked me, "so how are you doing really?"

it took me a while to answer "mixed", and then i went into some detail about how my friends have been great to me, about how this return to a state of normalcy has caused some of the anger and such to resurface. I asked how she was doing, and she said, "i'm doing pretty well. I miss you, but i think i'm coming to terms with it."

if it was someone other than her, i would have been... i dunno. more hurt by that statement, but i understand her well enough to not misinterpret that, and i'm confident in the love she has for me.

anyway, that's when i launched into my thinking that i needed a break and i went into the reasons why, and she basically said, "i'm not happy about it, but if that's what you think you need..."

i stretched the last few moments out as long as i could because a part of me didn't want to say goodbye. we were both crying. it would have made a great scene in a movie.

funny thing is, right after i disconnected ("hung up"), i let the grief wash over me for a little while, and after it subsided, right when i started this entry, i realized that i don't feel angry at the moment. Right now, for the first time in what seems like a long time, i miss her more than i'm angry with her.

i had this flash in my mind of calling her back and saying, "i've changed my mind. it's a mistake," but doing that would be a move of desperation. This is hard, but it's something i need to do, or else i'll lose her forever in my mind and in my heart.

dial-up fekking sucks, man. i discovered moving out here that i don't miss tv at all, but when 1 mb of data takes fekking 2348327438290473289 hours to upload... *in best tyler imitation* "what the crap."

Comments

( read spoken (3) — speak )
ex_scorppoe
Jul. 5th, 2004 03:47 pm (UTC)
Still not sick of it.

*hugs*
(Deleted comment)
desertlotus
Jul. 7th, 2004 01:46 pm (UTC)
hang in there, man. these are tough times for sure... i wish there were something i could say or do to make it better. i'm sure all your friends do. no one can, but we're here for you regardless. aren't we? guys? bueller? ;)
( read spoken (3) — speak )

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