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taking stock three

postlude: this started out as being an entry that was repetitive and stated some stuff that i already talked about, but as i'm writing this i'm realizing new things, so this veers off in a new direction. Still, i'm sorry for writing so much about this and cluttering up friends pages with this crap, but i can't feel too sorry because it's my journal first, and i'm writing this more for me than for anyone else.

--

after all was said and done last night, i went outside to watch remnant lightning and thunder off in the distance. this was around 4:00, maybe 4:30.

i really wanted to find the storm and chase it.

i was going to say that i let some of the grief and anger come out while i was out there, but that's not accurate. The grief and anger was an uninvited guest.

i was able to absorb it and stabalize it pretty quickly, but the severity of it still bothers me. What troubles me the most is that for a person that tries his hardest not to dwell on the past, i'm *really* dwelling on the past. It's not like i'm angry at her for breaking up with me. Our personalities aren't as compatible as we thought they would be. We shouldn't be together, and as painful as that is, i accept that. The anger comes more from how she deceived herself and how i became a casualty to that deception.

And a part of me says that it's within my right to still be angry. I feel scarred and forever changed, in a way that i haven't felt since rebec'.

but another part of me says that what's done is done, and i shouldn't dwell on it. She made the mistake. she admits that she made the mistake. she knows that what she did wasn't right and wasn't good enough. But she also knows that she tried her best, and she's doing a good job of getting past it and moving on with her life.

i was about to write, "maybe i should move on with mine," but i can't let those words escape from my lips because i think i already have.

i mean, yes, i'm scarred, yes i'm an emotional wreck (to a degree), but it's true that i *do* accept that our relationship is over and that there's no turning back, even if in another time line we could have had a happy life together.

i think that what's bothering me is that i'm placing too much pressure on myself to hurry the healing process along so i can forgive her and then have her back in my life. This whole time i've been asking the question, "how can i be good for her?" and completely neglecting, "how can i be good for me?"

Even the rationale for me cutting off communication stems from that. I cut off communication from her because I wanted time to stop feeling angry so that i could be a better friend to *her*. Not merely because i wanted to stop feeling angry and feel better myself.

*sigh* i think i might have to explore the possibility that... maybe i can't have her in my life at all. The love we have for each other wasn't enough for us to stay together. For her, her love for me *is* enough to want me to still be an important part of her life for the rest of her life.

*shakes head* i can't accept the possibility that i won't be able to get over it and allow my love for her to manifest itself into a friendship.

but maybe... it'll take longer than i want to admit. took me and kate two years.

i'll have to think about it more.

Comments

( read spoken (2) — speak )
letlygirl
Jul. 14th, 2004 06:10 am (UTC)
*hugs*
Let it breathe...don't put time restraints or set goals for yourself on the healing process...take it day to day.

Be fair to you...it's okay not to be okay right now.

purple_thread
Jul. 15th, 2004 12:27 am (UTC)
*sends tons of love*
i hear you. i hear you deep in my heart.
( read spoken (2) — speak )

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