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events from high to low

i suppose you might call it an eventful day, if only for myself.

I diddered for about five hours today, and i got more great scores. I finished andrew's challenge by pure fluke - I FC'ed Daikenkai Oni Double with 37 greats. I don't think i ever want to play that chart ever again.

I did other good things too, got 2 new SDGs on double (one of which was Sync oni which yet again puts that score better than my Sync Heavy score), and i got a AA on Paranoia Survivor. Five more tunes to AA. Max 300 is next.

And then there were silly things like going from 88 greats to 13 greats on DDR heavy double and going from 86 greats to 22 greats on Broken My Heart double.

I also came really close to AAing Max 300 on double. I tried it twice... first time i FCed the end run, but botched one of the parts in the middle. My great count was in the mid-40s, which i was happy with. Second time, I fixed the part in the middle, but i botched the run at the end, and my great count sucked.

i will get it, though. double is starting to feel natural for me again, and not at the sacrifice of what i do on single, at least not quite as much. it feels good.

towards the end, i started getting tired, and i also started to worry more about tyler, so my focus got shot. But overall i'm pretty happy, even though it's frustrataing to me that i'm not even better. I still have a lot of strides to make, and i want to make them faster.

as i was driving my exhausted way home, i checked my phone and discovered i got a message from Mark. the message from mark isn't important to the story. See, i have about six or seven messages from Kim saved on my voicemail. And every now and again, my voicemail will give me a message saying that "this archived message will be deleted unless you save it again."

after kim and i broke up, it became a habit for me to just skip past the archives and save them again without ever listening to them. But this time, i decided to wait. i decided to listen to the message. And i heard her voice, i heard her talk with that sparkle, the one that was so madly in love with me. After about ten seconds, i couldn't take it. I stopped it, and i saved it.

when i got back home, i came into my room and stared blankly at my computer screen for a little while, and then on impulse i put my jacket on and went outside to the deck. I sat there for a while as the final remnants of the sunset faded away, and then i turned my head slightly which put me looking directly into this lone bright white star.

it was like it was looking directly at me. laughing at me. daring me to make a wish on it, daring me to perform some.... ritual that would lend to false hope or false promises. for a long stretched out moment, i was transfixed... i couldn't look away from that mocking star, and when i was finally able to, my composure collapsed and i fucking missed her like crazy.

but of course that's a lie. what i miss is a lie. i don't miss the Kim that i know right now. i miss the Kim that trusted me utterly with her heart and was overjoyed to have my heart back.

*sigh* i think it's time to go outside again and weep.

Comments

( read spoken (2) — speak )
caffymajin
Jul. 13th, 2004 11:49 pm (UTC)
I don't want to sound cliche, but to get over things, you have to be able to confront them..I know losing Kim #1 (i've dated two Kims and if i stop dating this kim, i'm never dating one again) was really hard for me (first love and all), but i truly didn't start healing until i was able to have a civil conversation with her..you don't have to be friends at first, or even talk to her, but wanting to move on and getting over her is the first step (and the hardest)..good luck
c_wraith
Jul. 14th, 2004 12:35 am (UTC)
I know the feeling... About 6 months ago, I was cleaning up some email accounts, and came across a bunch of mail messages from Molly. They made it clear that there really was a time in there where she felt as strongly about me as I did about her.

I deleted them.

I'm not sorry I made that choice.
( read spoken (2) — speak )

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