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in the midst of all of this...

september is only about a week and a half away from now, and i feel myself start to panic, and i'm not sure why.

*sigh* scratch that. i know exactly why.

i mean, i feel pretty confident that when i call her and talk to her, i'm going to tell her that i need more time. as conflicted and as confusing as it's felt, i know that... well... i love her. i'm angry with her, a part of me hates her and may never forgive her, but... fuck. i love her. we could spend a year, two years not talking to each other, and i know that if she called me and needed anything, i'd do whatever it was in my power to help her.

what makes me panic is that i have no idea how she's going to feel. She can say things like, "you're an important part of my life, and i want you to always be an important part of my life," or "i will always love you, that will never change," but she also used to say things like, "i can't wait to wake up every day next to you," and "there are things that you provide for me that no one else can," and those things are no longer true.

granted, those things are of a different kind of genre of thought... take my situation with minna or hannah or even rebecca, and i can say that i still love them and they are still an important part of my life regardless of whether or not we're on speaking terms, but it is no longer true (if it ever was) that i want to spend the rest of my life with them or that they provide for me what i need.

*shakes head* then again, kim managed to do something different than any of my previous relationships. hannah, rebecca, minna - when those relationships ended, i knew and could feel like i was still important to them, that even if they moved on to be with other people, the memory of our relationship, the memory of our mutual love and affection would be something they would hold on to and cherish. i was never *nothing* to them.

i don't have that sense from kim. she's probably the first person that has managed to... make me feel like i *am* nothing after having been *everything*. somewhere in my mind and in my heart i know that it's not true, but right now i do feel like an afterthought to her, a music CD that she used to listen to obsessively before she got sick of it and now it sits on her shelf collecting dust that she hasn't sold back just for nostalgia sake.

and she also managed to make me feel like the way i lived my life and the way i thought was inferior and inadequate, and then when i finally managed to make a change about how i thought and lived my life in a way that i thought would please her, she made me feel worse.

yeah, thanks.

*sigh* i love you, kim, but god dammit. fuck you.

there. i said it.

and i'll say it again. fuck you. you fucked up. i made my mistakes, surely. but jesus christ. i helped give you some of the confidence that makes you what you are today. and i'm sorry i ever nurtured you.

*sigh* no, that's not true.

it's funny how easily a particular memory/moment in our relationship together can switch in my mind from a fond remembrance to a bitter hatefulness and vice versa.

fuck emotionally comitted relationships. i just want a fuck buddy. it's too bad that the friendships i have with most potential candidates (read: who i'm attracted to and are maybe attracted back) would be ruined by sex. there has to be *someone* out there that i could have some sort of casual fling with that won't damage our friendship. too bad i don't have the time or energy right now to look.

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ex_ilovetheb284
Aug. 20th, 2004 10:43 am (UTC)
i don't have that sense from kim. she's probably the first person that has managed to... make me feel like i *am* nothing after having been *everything*. somewhere in my mind and in my heart i know that it's not true, but right now i do feel like an afterthought to her, a music CD that she used to listen to obsessively before she got sick of it and now it sits on her shelf collecting dust that she hasn't sold back just for nostalgia sake.

Sometimes i am happy when there are other people who know exactly how i feel. Sucks to be a CD sometimes, huh? But try to think that one day you'll be that favorite CD- the kind that you can never get tired of and have to listen to every day or existence won't feel right.

fuck emotionally comitted relationships. i just want a fuck buddy. it's too bad that the friendships i have with most potential candidates (read: who i'm attracted to and are maybe attracted back) would be ruined by sex.

Ditto. But for me, i wish that i could actually manage to have some stupid fling without the emotional attachment. I mean, i've kissed a few guys to whom i was initially attracted, and they were great people all around, but realized that i felt nothing. I guess i'm completely numb to romance right now, which may be a good thing.

One day at a time, Mendel. As always, i'm going to end one of my comments with "i'm here if you need me."

K BYE!

♥ N
kkatmaxx
Aug. 20th, 2004 05:15 pm (UTC)
or.....
move to Taiwan or Japan, find someone who speaks just enough english to know what you're asking her, and hop to it. warning: this is not a professional opinion. Oriental women are prone to becoming psychotic and/or stalkers when used as stand-up barbie dolls and later taken back to the store. O_o

on a side note... I accidentally found a rub & tug here (I left) while I was looking for a barber shop. I suppose the size of the building should have keyed me in (it's very large), the front says it's a men's hair salon with beautiful attendants or something like that.... hehe
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