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three quick thoughts and one deep thought.

i had this incredibly elaborate dream last night and i don't remember anything about it. All i know is that i was the main protagonist, and it was a movie-like plot and it went from beginning to end all the way.... nothing got skipped, and i didn't wake up before it finished.

i've been avoiding calling Kim because i'm a chicken shit and get anxious whenever i start seriously thinking about calling her, but i think i'm going to try to call her today.

Andy wanted to play poker tonight. i'm not sure if i'm up for it after the five hour game the other night and since i'm going to have to get up around 7am tomorrow.

--

if i put myself in the right kind of mindset, i could *decide* to regret decisions i've made in my life. There's no doubt that... maybe i could have been happy married to Hannah. maybe i could have stuck out music education and been a good band director. maybe it would have been better if i had aged out at the cadets instead of the crossmen. maybe if i had done my research right, i wouldn't have picked the UofO for a masters program.

but thinking like that is so futile. sure, things might have been better, but they might have been worse and i have no idea how to tell.

all i know is that with the decisions i've made in my life so far and with as many self-esteem issues that i still carry in my heart, somewhere down there i realize that so far i've turned out to be not that bad of a guy.

and ever so slowly i've started to hit this point where that realization doesn't hinder my progress as a person but helps it. Before, i had to have a negative attitude in order to get ahead in my life. I had to tell myself, "you fucking suck as a drummer. you suck at ping-pong. you suck at life." if i ever let myself feel happy about my accomplishments, i wouldn't try to accomplish anymore. And i was so paranoid about it that i would force myself to suppress and ignore any forward progress i had already made and subsequently force myself not to be happy at all.

that's not quite the case anymore, and i think it's healthier this way. The fact that i know that i'm a good teacher doesn't stop me from trying to improve on how i teach or what i do. The general knowledge that i never want to be complacent or satisified with my current life, my current train of thought, etc. etc. makes me feel more at ease with being more truthful to myself about who i really am and what i've really achieved.

i've spent a good twenty or so years being generally unhappy and unsatisified with my life, and if you had asked me sometime then if i thought i would ever change, i would have confidently said "no". but back as far as 1993 the seed of what i am today started to develop, and now eleven years later... i think i'm starting to actually see a leaf or two.

it's a nice feeling.

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Comments

( read spoken (1) — speak )
hellomrhieu
Sep. 20th, 2004 02:40 pm (UTC)
:)

Your wisdom is the whole enchilada and a bag of chips.
( read spoken (1) — speak )

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