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not in a personal state of mind

lately i've been doing a lot more commenting in friends' journals or in randomquestions as opposed to saying anything substantial in my own journal.

I think that it's a different version of the problem i have with focusing my energy. I always spend more time focusing on other people rather than myself, and even when i do focus on myself it tends to be about things i want to focus on as opposed to things i need to focus on.

Putting it that way makes it sound like it's a form of avoidance. I'm not sure if that's exactly the right word for how i feel about it. To me, avoidance has nothing to do with results. It's the fear of simply dealing with a conflict regardless of whether the result of the conflict is for the better or for the worse. The issues i'm having have more to do with the fact that lately i've been feeling more and more like a failure, make wrong decisions, etc. etc. so i'm not necessarily afraid of the struggles, i'm afraid of the failure that i project all of those struggles will eventually lead to.

it's odd that i'm not suicidal, because my instinct tells me that it's this kind of attitude that leads to suicide. And now that I say that, another thought is forming in my head. Something about level of achievement, about how much demand people put on themselves, something about the Peter Principle.

i'll save that for another entry, though. i want to give it some time to sit.

Comments

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marseille
May. 9th, 2003 06:26 pm (UTC)
I've been the same way, lately. It's possible to need time away from your own situation, since you spend so much time & energy on it already. It can seem when you try to write about it that it seems dull, although that may not be how it would seem to readers! We get tired of our own lives, worn out from dealing with the same stuff all the time. If there's a person with a truly fascinating, insightful journal, I have to wonder how accurate it is...(joke)
Every time I try to write seriously about feelings, etc., I feel like I'm saying the same thing all the time, and I get bored with it. I don't get to the part that really should come out, probably.
As far as failure, it's a little early to tell, isn't it? (I can show you failure!) Seriously, our expectations are often not only overblown, but sometimes they concentrate on areas that aren't really important. People compare themselves to what they see of others, but they don't know what that other person is really like, how they really feel.
There may be things you want, or think you want, that you don't have yet, but it sounds to me like you really are doing great, when you report in on lj. Just because you question your successes doesn't mean they don't exist.
lifeofmendel
May. 10th, 2003 02:28 am (UTC)
things might seem great when i report on lj because even on lj i'm afraid of showing my weakness.

it was easier when i had my private journal. even though i had one or two readers, it was only one or two readers, and they weren't that connected with my life. so i could write and rant and be weak in front of nobody.

this lj is different. i have a personality and an impression on lj now, and it affects how i allow myself to be seen.

i'm still conceptualizing the entry where i talk about this - what i show of myself in various contexts and what i think it means. maybe sometime soon.
ex_scorppoe
May. 9th, 2003 10:34 pm (UTC)
The Peter Principle has always been one of my favorites for some reason or another. I think I first learned about it in 12th grade-- government class. Also, since I am deeply emerged in corporate America, I see example of it everyday.

Even more randomly: I have the urge to recommend "Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah" to you. I'm not a huge fan of the actual writing, but the idea in it, is something worth pondering.
lifeofmendel
May. 9th, 2003 10:43 pm (UTC)
huh. i remember picking Illusions up once when i was in late high school/early college. i think it belonged to my brother.

i tried to read it then and it was hard for me to understand, but i liked it. i might try it again at some point.
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