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my bravery for the day

i sent off an email to Rebec' and told her about my livejournal.

I think that it makes me slightly nervous, and in analyzing that nervousness, i've come up with a couple of possible reasons (though i'm not entirely convinced of them).

a. I think we know each other better as it relates to our past as opposed to our present. I don't know a whole lot about who she is now, and by showing her my LJ, she has the opportunity to see who i am now in a context that I can't control. It's a failing of mine that i get a bit nervous when i can't control who knows what about me. There are already things about my LJ that i don't write about because i'm conscious of audience.

b. There's a part of me that... hmm... still wants her approval. I don't think it really occurred to me until right now that a part of me feels that she doesn't, but the more I think about it, the more true it seems. I'm still incredibly conscious of how much I repeat myself and how weak my vocabulary is because they were things that she didn't like about me when we were together.

and of course there's also the obvious answer about how my journal makes me vulnerable, a part of my heart still melts thinking about her because i never completely let go of past love, especially my first one, blah blah blah.

Putting these thoughts down on the page make it seem like it's a bigger deal than i think it really is. I mean, if i was nervous enough about it, i wouldn't have told her. I do still want to share a part of my life with her if she's still interested, and i suck at emailing people who aren't directly involved in my present life. A part of me feels like pointing to my LJ is a "lazy" solution, but i don't think that's quite accurate. maybe i'll elaborate on that later.

I wonder if she'll take the time to actually read my LJ.

After all of that stuff about nervousness, the first thought that pops into my head about it now is, "that'd be neat."

Comments

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murderoftwo
Jun. 9th, 2003 02:21 am (UTC)
I wish I still talked to my first love. It would probably be easier to move on.

Which brings me to something really scary. I realized the other day that I have almost completely moved on from him, and I don't even understand how that happened. And I don't understand now why everything meant so much then. It actually makes me really sad. I miss him. :\
lifeofmendel
Jun. 9th, 2003 07:38 am (UTC)
it's hard for me to hold on to specific memories of me and Rebec' together. Granted, we broke up about five years ago, and i have a poor memory, so i suppose i should be thankful that i have any specific memories at all.

but when i think about the *feeling* i had back then, when i think about what we meant to each other, what we did for each other, it makes me slightly sad, but overall it makes me feel.... content. aside from sometimes wishing that I played a more active role in her life, I'm very happy with the relationship that we have now. i'm not sure how to define that relationship. maybe because it's too early in the morning.

but i *do* know that if she ever called me out of the blue because she needed my help, i'd probably do whatever i could to help her. People that know me would say, "but you'd do that for anyone!" which is probably true, but... i dunno. it just feels diffeerent to me.
murderoftwo
Jun. 9th, 2003 01:56 pm (UTC)
Re:
A bit random.. Thanks to your entry, I had a dream about Pat last night. That surprised me, to say the least, considering I haven't had a dream about him in three years.
( read spoken (3) — speak )

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