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lacking identity, finding cowardice.

My LJ is quickly becoming a clusterfuck of my past and present life.

I remember that when i first decided to use LJ (my private LJ, not darknote), i clearly wanted it to be a journal where new people would read it, not people that I knew. I have no problems spilling my guts about my life to a bunch of strangers that i don't know.

This LJ is different than that. If i look at the listings i have on my friends list that aren't communities:

  • 1 is my brother
  • 8 are people who i've met on LJ
  • 2 are people who are a part of my present life in eugene
  • 4 are people from my past life when i was in college
  • 2 are people from my past life when i was in high school

Having an audience that knows who i am in Real Life definitely makes me more shy about what I write. I don't censor myself *too* much, but it's true that I don't write about certain things because I'm conscious of who could be reading it. It might get worse if more friends from Eugene find out about my LJ.

For instance, for the past couple of years especially, i've been having problems trying to identify my relationship lifestyle. I feel like i'm polyamorous, and I feel like a freak because of it. But i also have never really been in a poly relationship - i've been in open relationships that have had reluctant partners, ones that don't understand and couldn't be in a poly relationship. And that makes me feel like more of a freak. I've made some mistakes... i'm still making mistakes, and i'm not proud of them. And because it makes me feel insecure, i don't write about it. Not even necessarily to people that I think would be sympathetic.

When i got my LJ reviewed by siren53684 way back in November of 2002, she gave me a 10/10 for individuality because of this snippet from one of my entries:

I only know how to speak in my own voice. There are some things I don't talk about in my LJ, but does that lack of knowledge mean that it doesn't represent me? People who interact with me every day don't know about the part of me that's pretty depressed. I keep that well hidden. But am I showing them a false me? I don't think so. Even if they only get one aspect of me, they get Me. My LJ is no different.

I take a look at that now and wonder how true it really is, the part about "Even if they only get one aspect of me, they get Me." I mean, what if i was pretty much what everyone thought I was except that a year ago i murdered someone and didn't tell anyone? Somehow i think that people would change their opinion of me if they knew that I murdered someone, regardless of whether that had anything to do with my present life or had anything to do with them or not.

That's an extreme example, surely. But i wonder how much of what I decide to show or not show is more born out of cowardice as opposed to selective knowledge revealing. i have a sneaking suspicion that all of my reasoning and intelligence and justifications are just masking the simple fact that i'm a coward.

Comments

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ex_scorppoe
Jul. 27th, 2003 12:25 pm (UTC)
What you're touched on here is something that I have been thinking about for quite a while-- the idea that there are different parts of us. My husband once made a comment about how I was a different person with my friends. At the time I took great offence to this (especially since that was the intended affect). Now, I'm not sure I would be offended.

I think that now I would say, "Of course I am different with them. Just as you are not the same as you are to your mother as to your friend. Or as your daughter to your boss. Just because we seemingly act differently around different people does not make us a different person. We all have pieces of us, different sides, each thing brought together makes us whole."

lifeofmendel
Jul. 27th, 2003 01:05 pm (UTC)
i think that the problem is that there's some kind of gray line there. I'm starting to think that there are some things that are core to our personality that if concealed are negatively deceptive. Acting differently around different people is natural, but to me that's not exactly the same thing as holding back some of your personality. it's more a way of... using a different form of "communication" to bring your personality across.

something like that, anyway.
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