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virtual birthday

I was looking at my full profile earlier to see if I needed to add another memory to my (entry mod 20)=0 and i discovered that my LJ had its first birthday a couple of weeks ago.

It feels strange. My memory plays tricks on me about it. On the one hand, it doesn't seem like i've had my journal for that long. On the other hand, I remember writing entries about marching band from last year, and that *does* seem like a long time ago.

A part of me feels like I should take some time and figure out what's changed and what's stayed the same about me in the past year, but I think i tend to discourage looking too deeply into that kind of reflection. People seem to use their birthdays as postmarks to say "i've accomplished this" or "i have yet to accomplish this" and I think what results from that is either a confidence boost or a sense of depression that is... out of context. I could look back at my life and say, "i haven't won any composition awards yet or gotten played at any festivals yet like all of these people younger than me." But even though that's true, I don't think it reflects on my abilities as a composer. I still feel pretty good about the music that I write, and I feel good about the music that I perform.

I don't know. I guess i tend to not focus on specific things in my past as much as i focus on how those things in my past contribute to the composite that is my Present. And even when I do decide to look at my past accomplishments or failures, it feels arbitrary to choose a birthday or a nice round number to decide to do some sort of self-evaluation.


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March 2017