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long post: evolving full circle

one of the effects of having a polyamorous philosophy regarding relationships regardless of whether or not i'll ever practice it is that i never completely let go of former relationships or potential relationship paths that never came to be.

And i say "effect" as opposed to "side effect" because the latter has a negative implication to it that for me just doesn't apply. Because whether or not i completely let go is independent of me coming to terms with the fact that a relationship either standard or non-standard or even romantic versus non-romantic is over or never meant to be. and i gladly hold on to those emotions and effects as a part of me, a part of who i am.

The reason this is buzzing around in my head right now comes mainly from recent retrospection (is that even a word?) about where my head is now and what events from the past few years have put me here - which interestingly enough is seemingly back in the place i had been many years before except with a much firmer sense of self-worth, self-awareness, and understanding of how i can shape my ideas and values to get the most out of any relations i have with those around me and allow them to get the most out of their relationship with me.

trying to trace my thoughts in the fifth-dimensional fashion it's sitting ([Thanks, erica. :p]) is too complicated a task to put into a blog entry that someone is reading from point A to point B. But as an easy example, it's amazingly gratifying to understand that the relationship i have with katie now actually feels *better* than when we were a copule a little over a year ago now.

more importantly (and i suppose more to the point), having gone through what i did with Kim and then with Katie, it's good to know that even though i'm comfortable in my current space of not being in a monogamous relationship (and who knows if i'll ever be again), i *could* pull it off and still be happy and true to myself given a particular set of circumstances. (and i purposely didn't say "right" set of circumstances because there isn't necessarily anything more or less "right" about a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship or indeed any relationship at all.)

which is important because the way things were pre-Kim, i rejected the idea of strict monogamy with anyone regardless of circumstances. That's not where i am now - adhering to the principle without flexibility and the ability to redefine and adjust what can already be a murky concept in people's brains ends up being seflish, neglectful, and can ultimately short-change me from having fulfilling *somethings* with certain individuals and groups and vice versa, whether long-term or short term.

<

what's the bottom line of this ramble? a) all of the people whose lives touch mine and have meaning will never depart from me, which means that b) i will never ever feel completely alone even if i feel lonely.

c) while i maintain a poly philosophy, it's conceivable that i could put myself in a state of monogamy again at some point in the future, but as there's no sense of urgency for that, it will never have to be under circumstances that severs the connections i have with other people in my lives which are under terms that are truly my own. (that's not to say that there wouldn't be compromise or a mutual understanding or anything like that.)

something like that anyway. that didn't come out as coherent as i would have hoped because i have a headache. Hopefully this makes sense tomorrow when i read it again.

Comments

( read spoken (6) — speak )
derien
Dec. 3rd, 2007 12:30 pm (UTC)
It seems to make sense to me.
edrake
Dec. 3rd, 2007 02:03 pm (UTC)
i have lots of thoughts on this...but i'm supposed to be getting ready for a music history final. blah.


btw, i'm surprised this is a public post. intentional?


<3 for my mendel.
lifeofmendel
Dec. 3rd, 2007 03:47 pm (UTC)
i had a clear reason why i decided to make it a public post when i submitted it. i don't quite remember it all right now, but that's because i can't think like that in the morning.

hearts to you and to you doing well on your music history final.
(Deleted comment)
miss_skillet
Dec. 3rd, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)
I admire and to a degree am jealous of your ability to keep your mind/heart open to the past/future and possibilities like that. I am certain that the #1 obstacle to my own happiness in the future will be my own fear, jealousy, and closed-mindedness. What I'm trying to say is, where I sit all wounded and fucked up it looks like you must be incredibly strong inside...and that is awesome.
koocheekoo
Dec. 5th, 2007 04:47 am (UTC)
What a lovely post. You are a wonderfully thoughtful and open hearted person.

I try to treasure everyone I meet for which I get a certain level of closeness to, as they add something to my life - positive or negative. As you say, these people influence in part the person you become. It's good to be open to whatever may come next, you never know what serendipitous wonder you may encounter.
( read spoken (6) — speak )

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