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great insults from gareth blackstock

for those that don't know anything about the old british sitcom Chef!, some of the main character's rants and insults have no equal. A few great examples of his monologue brilliance:

Let me explain the order of things for you. There's the aristocracy, the upper class, middle class, working class, dumb animals, waiters, creeping things, head lice, people who eat packet soup, and then you.

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Somebody bring me a knife, very long and razor sharp. I need to castrate the person who made this sauce and I don't want to cause any unecessary suffering. I'm not a vindictive man, I'm not out to cause pain, but with this man's DNA in the gene pool, humanity is doomed.

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The partridge I want is one which has eaten wild food and lived a wild life, has struggled, hoped and dreamed, has sown wild oats, has tasted the bitter disappointment of middle age, and knows what it is to eyeball The Grim Reaper in the watches of the night; the partridge sunk in the veil of years, with all the flavors of its rich eventful life captured in its texture, its juice, its very flesh. I do not want this callow, milk-fed, adolescent, uncouth, undeveloped wodge of protein. I don’t believe in eating virgins!

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Gareth: Everton, let me explain things to you. In the world of cooking, I am Einstein. Lucinda is Isaac Newton. And you are a mud-dwelling unicellular bit of jelly with a predilection for consuming its own excrement.

Everton: You don't like the way I cook?

Gareth: I feel it's important to be frank.

i bring these up because one of the supporting characters in the most recent Doctor Who episode played Everton in Chef!, so i was inspired. bon appetit.

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roguish_ink
Apr. 22nd, 2008 07:58 pm (UTC)
love 'em :) shame i've never seen that show before
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