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ten day meme day four.

continuing the ten day meme that i ganked from xtingu.

Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four things you want in a romantic partner.
Day Eight: Three of your favorite possessions.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life or yourself right now.
Day Ten: One confession

--

this is a tough one because i'm not sure if i have anything in particular that crosses my mind a lot. like, if something *did* cross my mind a lot, i probably wouldn't remember that it does because it's so instinctual. but i'll still give it a try. at the very least, i'll name seven things that are crossing my mind right now that i *think* are often. that may not count exactly, but whatever.

1. death. i think it's fair to say that it crosses my mind a bunch because i'm scared shitless of it, of the idea of my life ending. every now and again i get this sensation of time passing and i'll get a minor anxiety attack related to the phobia of never existing any more. i don't know if i'll ever get over it. at some point i won't have to.

2. projects. when i'm in the middle of a project or projects, it occupies my headspace a lot of the time no matter what i'm doing. Right now there are about four projects that are occupying my headspace: my brother's flash game and the music i'm trying to conceive for it, the ending of kim's winter drumline show, the wedding speech i need to write for april, and a horn/flute/piano trio that i'm not going to even begin to start writing for about 8 months.

3. the people i love. even past relationships or close friends i haven't been in contact with for over a decade or more cross my mind, with an instinct of "i hope they're doing well, and i hope that i contributed and maybe still contribute positively to their lives as they continue to positively contribute to mine."

4. my hair. my hair has always been the part of me that i felt expressed myself the most, made complicated by the fact that i currently only trust one person to cut it. that needs to change because it's not practical. i don't actually see myself as a long haired person anymore. i need to learn to release my anxiety about it and find someone else that i can trust to make it look at least close to what i want it to be that wouldn't take a plane ticket to get to.

5. trying to do things well without the pressure of failure. when i'm learning something new or rekindling something that i used to be good at and no longer am, my brain gets into this overanalytical mode of what i need to do to do it well. i'm always thinking about improving, developing, adjusting, trying harder, &c. But coupled with that, i don't mind if i fail at it. all of that overanalytical stuff is a reflex for me. i know myself well enough to know that i'm not actually good at a lot of things, but that it just doesn't matter. i'll still try to do the best that i can, and enjoy wherever i end up.

6. me. i'm very conscious of the person that i am and how i choose to be for myself and for others. there are things that i do that i characterize as being Me and for reasons that are Me, and those are always under evaluation and evolution.

7. deliberate chaos. this is cheating a little since i already used this as an answer, but it's true that a very essential part of who i am is the deliberate insertion of some form of chaos and irregularity in my life because i never want to reach a place in my life where everything is following a set routine.

--

tomorrow is going to be all about cleaning. clean the apartment, clean the stuff of of my camera and put it online, clean/organize my hard drives, clean up the score of my winter show, clean clean clean clean.

it'll be a good productive day i think.

tag cloud:

Comments

( read spoken (4) — speak )
yurupop
Feb. 15th, 2011 03:58 pm (UTC)
DEAR MENDEL,
i will be in new orleans fri march 4 (late) until sun mar 6 (afternoonish.) hangtime?
XOXO,
amber
lifeofmendel
Feb. 15th, 2011 04:34 pm (UTC)
oh gosh. that's right in the thick of mardi gras.

i have parade obligations on friday night and sunday night, but saturday is open. Krewe of Endymion starts at 4:15pm, that's a pretty fun parade to watch, so maybe we can hang for that and do late dinner/drinks after.

Depending on where you are, transport could be an issue. The french quarter is going to be absolutely crazy and i don't know when the st charles/canal street car line and streets will open up again after Krewe of Tucks is over. But if we plan well enough we can figure it out. where are you staying? do you have any plans at all?
yurupop
Feb. 15th, 2011 05:07 pm (UTC)
no plans whatsoever! i literally just found out my flight request through my company was approved for then, so i'm starting to plan.... nowww.

but, saturday! fun!!
lifeofmendel
Feb. 15th, 2011 05:22 pm (UTC)
cool. :)

once you get your hotel details sorted out let me know. where you stay will determine some of the planning and logistics.

yay! talk about a time to come to new orleans. :)
( read spoken (4) — speak )

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