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doozel

A part of me finds it odd that this has affected me so much. i mean, it's not like i really knew dooz that well since a) his regular presence with the Crowd happened towards the end of my West Chester years and b) he was an incredibly quiet person whose aura was hard to read. My memory is generally spotty to begin with and my specific memories with him are pretty slim.

But reach down deeper, and it becomes clearer. Even if my strongest memories of dooz aren't much more than random quick flashes of him sitting on the couch in a West Chester dwelling or him playing in the tracking block while he was marching in the Glassmen and i was a tech, there is no denying that dooz was a Powerful Force. That's hardly surprising; JR, his older brother, was also a Powerful Force when he and i were good friends during our West Chester years and i have no doubt that he still is. And it's because of having that foundation for comparison that i have a better sense of who dooz was, what was similar, what was different, and can resultantly still call him friend and think it would be awesome to have a drink with him and talk and laugh despite the fact that it's been over a decade since i last saw him.

And when that Powerful Force stopped so abruptly and suddenly, it hit like an earthquake. The energy of all that he was and still is rippled out so strongly that it was impossible for even me as a tangential touch of his life to not mourn, grieve, and get angry about. Such a Force is not supposed to end like that. Doozel is not supposed to be someone that is now a "was".

but he is a was. and that's fucking stupid and wrong.

This trip out to CA came at a good time because from the time that i was told about dooz (last sunday) up to thursday morning when i got dropped off at the airport for this trip, dooz's passing occupied all of my headspace. part of it is obvious; flashes of his face, reinforced by the small group of friends who knew about it changing their profile pictures with him in it. but really, more of it has to do with JR and Leslie. as in, i can't even imagine what this has done to them emotionally and even physically, and thinking about it too hard can bring out such a wave of grief that it can literally stop me in my tracks.

so thankfully i was able to get out of town and use it as a way to come out of the numb cloud that i was in. it's been a good distraction, but more importantly in the light of what happened it reinforced my love for life and the people whose lives are touched by me, and it serves as a reset for when i go home, to be put back in a state where i can be properly productive.

of course things will never be the same. and you could throw in that "life is change, life moves on" sort of bollocks that of course i know is true and will eventually come to proper terms with. But that time isn't there yet. To not allow what started out as shock that turned into grief-then-anger and then numb sadness to run its course is to not pay Doozel nor those who love him proper justice. So i will continue to nurture the sadness, let it evolve, and let it manifest and translate itself into a love and warmth for those who have been more devastated by this. To do otherwise would not be right for him, and most certainly is not right for me.

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Comments

( read spoken (3) — speak )
jenni9
Jul. 4th, 2011 06:46 pm (UTC)
*HUGS*
jess2002far
Jul. 5th, 2011 10:50 am (UTC)
So comforting to read this. It seems the only thing across the board that's helping people feel better is being around other people who love him and lost him. It's like you copy/pasted my brain, but prettied it up.

I just wrote and deleted a bunch because I forgot your journal is public. I'll be in touch today. I'm glad you put this out there. Someone's going to read this and feel less alone because of you.
(Anonymous)
Jul. 6th, 2011 01:32 am (UTC)
Beautiful. :o)
J
( read spoken (3) — speak )

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