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emotionally i'm sort of a wreck.

it won't make me feel better to write about why i'm a wreck right now, so i won't do it.

but i mention it because i've been through heavy depression and self-consciousness and sadness for a lot of my life. ever since middle school really. And i feel like i have decent chops at handling it. sometimes i welcome it.

right now, i've veered the emotional wreckedness in a direction that i like, where it can be useful, at least as it relates to other people.

me, that's a different issue. It's hard for me to take this kind of emotion and be there for myself without a serious kick in the ass. i didn't go outside at all today, and i didn't eat my first meal until about... 8pm, maybe? and i haven't really eaten since, either. i absorbed myself by playing a lot of iidx and watching playoff hockey, and that's about it.

i don't want to go to sleep, but i'm going to. I need to break the 4am sleep habit i think. especially because i want to get some errands done tomorrow and i'm hanging out with rachel for our regular air hockey/DDR appointment, and i want to make sure i'm in top form for that.

i'm sad, lonely, and in despair, but at least today and for the next few days it's by choice, as opposed to something that felt inflicted upon me. i'd almost take any mood that i give to myself by choice than one that's inflicted upon me except for happiness induced by thunderstorms.

well, maybe that's not strictly true, but that's how i feel right now.

maybe i'll finish off the ice cream before i go to bed. maybe i won't go to bed yet and i'll work on a stepmania chart instead. between now and the time i wrote three [p]'s ago, i suddenly feel rebellious about sleeping. kind of feel rebellious about eating too, but ice cream sounds good. too bad i don't have any more carrots. i'm kind of in a carrot mood, even though i'm vaguely allergic to them raw.

maybe i'll go back over one of xhighlifex's recent surveys and answer one.

maybe i'll poke around the web for a set of wrist cuffs. in the back of my mind i've been thinking of forking over the money to get some good quality wrist cuffs that have some sort of metal hook on them that can then be attached to a chain as opposed to the cuffs i have now which are decent quality velcro tethers, but require too much preparation to effectively hold me down. it's complicated to explain, and not really worth the effort unless a lot of people want to know, which i doubt.

anyway, whatever. bottom line is that i want the Good Stuff. new wrist cuffs first, and then a cat-o-nine tails thingy second. But that stuff doesn't come cheap - i'd probably have to fork over about $150 for that, and i can't justify spending that kind of cash right now.

maybe i won't do that tonight, since i probably won't be buying it any time soon. it'd be wishful window shopping, and it'd probably add some bad cookies to my computer unless i press escape a millions times.

we'll see. one thing at a time. ice cream first.


( read spoken (6) — speak )
Apr. 27th, 2004 01:50 am (UTC)
A very reputable purveyor of the items you seek. Excellent selection. Good prices and good quality merchandise. Very respectful of customers' privacy.

Apr. 27th, 2004 03:56 am (UTC)
What the heck? Is that a friend or an advertiser?

Anyway, I enjoy your going on about how you're feeling, and I'm sorry that you're not doing so hot. I'm not busy tomorrow if you're interested in some hardcore ping pong/pool/DDR/IIDX/whatever, that tends to cheer me up.
Apr. 27th, 2004 04:01 am (UTC)
hehe. he's a friend.

i'm going to be hanging out with Rachel tomorrow for a little while at least... we have air hockey appointments twice a week. But we'll see. Since she has an 8 to 5er, i might get done hanging out with her anywhere between 8-10:30. when i get back from that, maybe i'll drop you a line or find you on IM.
Apr. 27th, 2004 08:35 am (UTC)
Apr. 27th, 2004 10:45 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you feel like shit.

But happiness induced by thunderstorms is a good feeling. I was born in New York, so I am certain that I have some genetic predisposition to the love of thunderstorms as well.

I hope you get to feeling better. Or at least create some kick ass music as a result.

(Deleted comment)
( read spoken (6) — speak )


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