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my mentality on depression.

i know that being depressed all of the time isn't a great thing, but being *happy* all of the time isn't a great thing either. I value my depression. I don't always want to feel better. Depression can be an old friend.

it wouldn't feel right to generally not be depressed right now. If i wasn't depressed, i'd question even more what it is that makes me happy. (wasn't depressed? weren't depressed?)

not that people can't make me feel better. Three or four people yesterday helped me feel better simply by being themselves, and i'm thankful for that.

the problem is that i care too much about other people, even to the point that sometimes the first thought that i have when i think about my depressive state of mind is that I want to change it for *other* people. not for me.

as in, "i should stop being depressed so that other people don't have to worry about me or have to deal with my moodiness." it never occurs to me to say, "i should stop being depressed for myself." and that's really not healthy. it can make me feel like i need to rush getting out of the depression, not let the depression run its full course.

i know that my friends worry - both on-line and real life - and i appreciate the sentiment. it's good to know that i'm not alone and that people care about me, especially when my self-confidence is low enough that i don't feel like i'm worth caring about.

but for those that read this - don't worry too much. The more people that directly worry about me, the more likely i'll want to pull myself out for their sake as opposed to mine.

twisted, i know.

there's really only one or two people that can directly worry about me a great deal and have it help me as opposed to hinder. i think they know who they are.

*inner laughter* you know, now that i think about it more, i bet some of this is mom's fault. i'll elaborate that on another entry when the thought matures some more.

heh. *shakes head and chuckles*


( read spoken (2) — speak )
May. 11th, 2004 09:06 pm (UTC)
If you want to do something with me, let me know. Getting out of the house is always good for depression. I miss you a lot, I hope you feel better... When you want to.
May. 12th, 2004 01:47 am (UTC)
hug it out

Sometimes you just won't feel better until you've spent the entire day making your poopy face.
( read spoken (2) — speak )


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March 2017