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she's gone.

i think the score is 5-2 now, but it's hard to say. we left on great terms. we both know that her leaving is the only thing that could possibly save our relationship. well see what happens a month from now.

i had a couple of new experiences from this. The first is that i discovered the degree to which i was affected by all of this made it almost impossible for me to eat. The whole time she was here and some before, i didn't really eat much, and as time went by, it became less about the fact that i couldn't taste the food as much as the food became *repulsive* to me. i would hate eating even the simplest things, and when i would eat, i'd have the urge to throw up, and i haven't thrown up since maybe kindergarten.

the other thing that happened is that right at the end when she was about to leave, i had an anxiety attack that was so strong that i almost hyperventilated and fainted. I felt the mood start to come and i told her to leave before it got worse, and then i had to say, "oooh... don't leave yet" because almost instantly i lost all feeling in my arms and i started to lose feeling in my head. it was a little scary, but i had more sort of a fascinated detachment from it. i did tell her that at some point on the road, she should call me to make sure i didn't pass out.

anyway. again.... time will tell. i'm still cautiously optimistic, but reality is there too. if she had to decide Right Now, she would break up with me. she's trying to give herself time to see whether or not she can change how she feels and give me a more fair shot. and i need some time to see whether or not i'm willing to change to be right for her, because undobutedly i'd be changing much more than she would. A part of me scoffs at that in principle, but the reality is that the changes she wants of me might be necessary and a good one for my mental health anyway, because the intensity and deepness of the emotions i have are the kinds of things that drive people to commit suicide. I don't have any desire to commit suicide, but when i ask other people to deal with them, it can really hurt them.

minna was similar in this. she had a high degree of intensity in her emotions, and on top of that, she *was* suicidal. i helped her through all of that, and from that we became close, but i also know now in retrospect that it was that degree of intensity that always made me feel like i couldn't commit to her. even at times when she was stable, she could feel *so* *much* and it did get tiresome. the same thing happened with hannah.

i don't think it occured to me until about now that maybe that's how kim feels about me.

no. not *maybe*.

anyway. i have a couple of job apps to finish up, and then i think i'm going to play DDR for a few hours. I'd go to the ATAM to practice double since i need to, but in the state i'm in right now, i'll definitely feel more comfortable at the EMU, the downside of which is that my phone doesn't work well in that building. then again, maybe i don't want to be reached right now.

to everyone who's been thinking about me - you help more than you know. thanks.


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March 2017