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two completely unrelated things.

i have more emotions to vent, but since i'm being all self-conscious about it, i'm going to end with it while first writing about something more cheerful.

The music building at my undergraduate university had a street right outside of it that was full of metered parking. People parked there all the time, myself included, and since there was an entryway around the building where we all used to hang out and we saw a lot of people go in and out, we got to this point where we could easily identify whose car was parked where or at least know whether or not the cars parked there were visitors or regulars.

there was one meter in particular that we knew was broken and was always a spot people vied for. the spring mechanism or something on it was broken, so that once the meter expired down to zero, it didn't have enough "oomph" to pop up the "time expired" flag - it just stayed at zero. People that weren't regulars didn't know that the meter was like that, so money was still being put into it, otherwise i think public safety would have caught on and tried to fix it.

i remember there was one time when a friend of mine didn't have much to do for an hour or two, and was just hanging out in front of the music building, and she made it her mission to fuck with the system somewhat. She had a bunch of nickels, and she used them to put a nickel in all of the meters that were expired whenever she saw public safety come by to try to ticket.

i think the public safety person saw what she was doing and was angry about it, but it didn't phase her. She'd go to an expired meter, put in the nickel, see the public safety person come by, smile, and wave, and then run to the next one.

i kind of feel like doing that, but on a larger scale. I had this idealistic thought of going around to the EMU and asking people for spare change, letting them know that I wanted to mess with public safety and that income that goes to the UofO, and then i'd wait for public safety to come around and start putting nickels in all of the expired meters. Maybe i'd be able to get someone else to help me since there are so many meters out there.

if i thought i could pull it off, i would, but it seems like it would be too much effort. but maybe one of these days somewhere, i can freely put myself in that situation, where i have a bunch of spare change as a weapon against the parking meter system and i can spend an hour, two, maybe more, working to keep people from getting tickets with no one the wiser.


i'm starting to get angry, and regardless of whether or not it's for a good reason or not, i don't like it. I'd rather be sad than angry, but i don't feel sad right now.

mental pain can be tough to deal with. i kind of want some physical pain to distract the mental pain. usually when i do stuff like that, it involves me hitting my hand repeatedly against the steering wheel or stick shift, or pushing myself to the point of exhaustion like i have been doing at DDR. But those take effort on my part, effort to allow myself to lose control, and to resultingly feel somewhat guilty for doing so and not being more "stable" or "responsible."

so right now, what i want more than anything else is to be physically abused by someone else.

people who have read my journal for any moderate period of time know that i'm a masochist. I love being tied up and spanked and whipped for sexual purposes. But the key thing about that is that i'm into that stuff without the mentality of humiliation. That kind of torture and pain is one that i know in my head is about love or lust or generally positive things. When i get spanked in the heat of passion, it doesn't hurt at all - it just turns me on more.

the way i feel right now, fighting with myself and resultingly feeling emotionally detached, i want to be tied up and stripped naked and whipped for a completely different purpose. i don't want to feel loved or teased or turned on. all of those things - either in the bdsm context or not - expose the parts of me that feel frail and weak.

what i want is for someone to give me pain not because i want it, but because *they* want it, and they completely disregard how i feel. I want them to try to abuse me and humiliate me and then get frustrated that it won't work because i feel so cold and i'm not going to break. I want to be pushed to the limits of physcal and emotional abuse, i want to be hit harder and harder until my entire ass, legs, and back are red and bruised with welts and then feel good about the fact that no matter how helpless i may seem, i actually hold all the power.

because with this mental pain and pain of the heart from someone that i'm so vulnerable against... these emotions that are flurrying, i don't feel like i have control over them. i'm powerless.

but physical pain? or abuse by strangers who don't know shit about me?... fucking bring it on, and i'll show you what strength is. none of you can phase me. do your worst and i'll spit in your face and ask for more.

it's funny. i put on sneakers today because somewhere in the back of my mind i knew that i was going to go to the EMU and play DDR.

i ate food today, and i didn't want to throw up, but i did want to take the food and throw it away from me as hard as i could.

since i'm hitting the unfocused snippet stage, i'll stop now.

thanks for listening if you got down this far.


( read spoken (2) — speak )
Jun. 3rd, 2004 02:47 pm (UTC)
yay for eating. My habits have been pretty sporadic as of late as well. I don't sleep well, and I am beginning to have to force myself to eat. Boo to that. :-(


Jun. 6th, 2004 10:52 am (UTC)
That meter still exists... so does the activity of standing on smoker's corner and watching people. i miss you!! i'll be on the west coast in 10 days!
( read spoken (2) — speak )


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March 2017