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more insomnia

i'm having trouble falling asleep again, and i'm sick of working on my thesis, so i thought i'd try another stream of consciousness entry until i get tired enough or incoherent enough.

my recent more depressed state of mind has mutated slightly in the past week or so to something both more and less positive. I think i'm going to attempt to do it as if the mood layers are "segments", though that's not entirely accurate.

The core segment is depression, guilt, negativity in general. Maybe it was a bad idea, but I started watching my Trigun DVDs again recently, which re-stirred the analogy i've made between me and Vash.

(huh. i thought i talked about that in this lj. i guess i did it in my private one... maybe i'll bring it up again when i'm less tired.)

Then there's the segment i consider the "distraction focus" segment, or something like that. It's not just about distractions, like watching tv or playing a random video game. It's choosing to do something that requires intense concentration or focus so that all parts of me truly forget about anything in the outside world. Pool and DDR function this way for me. Playing in drumlines do the same thing, but i'm not in one right now.

There's the "content with daily friends" segment - particularly kurt and laura, plus dave, mark, and aaron.

There's the "frustrated enough with life that i'm always screaming inside" segment. That part these days has defeinitely moved to middle ground - not background, not foreground.

okay. i'm falling asleep now. maybe i'll delete or heavily revise this entry when i read it later... the small part of my brain that's not muddled thinks that this could use some work.


( read spoken (1) — speak )
Feb. 19th, 2003 01:51 am (UTC)
ms. a wishes she only had insomnia
as a connoisseur of nighttime disturbances, i read this entry with particular interest. what struck me most was the section about 'distraction segment' because there is a similar theme in one of your brother's lj entries. or rather, he wrote about stream of consciousness thinking and how to break it, and i wrote in response that one way to break it is to do an activity that needs heavy focusing such as writing (for me). the other way for me to break a mood or try to is by engaging in a mindless activity such as exercising or reading mysteries.

the problem with either route is that it can only last so long and for me, whatever i'm trying to distract myself from always returns. so really, it's a delaying tactic. not to scoff at delaying tactics because there's no reason to suffer every minute of the day, but the distraction comes with the knowledge that i will have to deal with it at some point. sometimes it's worth it; sometimes it's not.

anyway, i'm glad your insomnia is abating. hopefully, it will disappear completely.
( read spoken (1) — speak )


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