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a few entries ago, i wrote this:

i should have known better than to pick up the phone when she called... i wasn't in a great space to talk to her anyway, and i wasn't in a safe environment (the back seat of the car).

i realized when i woke up this morning why i *did* pick up the phone. now that i look at that, it's odd that my instinct is to say "pick up the phone" as opposed to "answer the phone" when in the cell phone context Most of the conversations i've had with her since the one where we discovered that she was deceiving herself about how she felt about me have involved some sort of suppression of my emotions - anger, grief, etc. - but it's been a while since i've had a conversation with her in a public place, in a setting where i could be overheard, especially by people who i consider close friends.

It was an impulse last-second decision to answer the phone that went against all of my instincts, but i know now that it was something i had to do. It was a test. I had to force my own hand, allow to bring to the surface some of that which i've been bottling up. And when i answered the phone and first said, "hey" in greeting, i definitely felt unsafe and vulnerable, so i had to be incredibly cold and detached in order to protect myself. Tyler said he could tell right away that i was talking to Kim. and it's true that i feel more free to be myself when i interact with *anyone* else either in person or on the phone than i do with her.

the stupid thing is that in retrospect, i realize that that was somewhat true when we were together too.

anyway, after that conversation and after talking about the situation more with tyler yesterday, i've discovered that i'm still pretty fucking angry. and that sucks, because it means that i'm really not being a good friend to her, or at least not as good as i could be.

*sigh* i hate hurting people. i'm contemplating taking a break from interacting with her for a little while to see it will help me get over how angry i am with her. i can keep the grief. i don't really want to let go of the grief completely. but the anger just needs to go away.


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March 2017