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planting the seed.

in an effort to spare those that are sick of it, i think i'm going to start using more LJ-cuts.

my LJ has been a downer lately. that sucks, but it's something i think i need to do, and i can take some comfort in the fact that no one is obligated to read it.

The funny thing is that good stuff happened today. fucking great stuff happened today, as far as i'm concerned. But all of those seem far away at the moment, maybe because i'm tired.

ah well.

There was a point when i was in the back of tyler's car where it hit me again. A sudden rush of... grief or something. I closed my eyes and tried to push it away. The fact that i wasn't alone in the car helped, but i still wasn't entirely successful.

the funny thing is that the initial wave of grief wasn't geared specifically towards Kim or anything - i didn't really miss or feel bitter towards *her* exactly... i just suddenly felt so alone and empty and i didn't want to be. I wanted to have someone in my life that i could turn to and switch off all of my shields and feel protected.

And right as i was on my way to feeling slightly more stable, Michele made a passing comment right as we pulled up to the house, something like, "i love seeing stars."

such an innocent comment that affected me so much.

it's odd that i'm such a night person when my ability to enjoy stars is tainted by how i feel they mock me, but i think about it in the same way as my fear of heights. If i'm up really high and i just look at the view, i can be amazed. i just shouldn't look down. With night time, so long as i don't look straight up and see all of the stars, i'm okay. i feel comfortable in the darkness, in the cool night air. And of course it's easier if the night is cloudy as opposed to clear.

*sigh* i'm dancing around how i feel with tangents and random thoughts. It's how i cope with negative emotions. What i really want to do is scream and scream and scream and scream. But doing that would entail getting in my car and driving.

my focus is crap. i'm crap.

*shakes head to clear it*

on a completely different note, i'm not sure why, but meredith's aura looked different to me today. In *really* subtle ways. like... if i wasn't paying close enough attention, i wouldn't have noticed... it would have just seemed like... Mer. And i don't think i realized it until now after the fact that her aura had a slightly different tint.

i'm not sure what to make of it. the easy answer is that we're becoming closer friends, and any time i get closer to people it creates a change in both how i see their aura and how they present their aura to me. Mer's was the most obivous, but i've noticed similar aura changes with Michele, Deborah, Jimmy, etc.

It's possible that it's more me than them. Maybe my outlook on their aura is different. I think it's more of a a combination.

whatever it is, i like it.

hmmm.... there's more to be said about all of this stuff, but i'm *really* out o focus now, so i'm going to stop and post this shitty entry.


( read spoken (1) — speak )
Jul. 18th, 2004 01:41 pm (UTC)
I <3 you too, and I wanna spend more time with you guys.
( read spoken (1) — speak )


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March 2017