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this was written at 3am on thursday, but i can't post it at the moment because tyler is on the internet.

i've been doing a fairly good job in the past few days of not thinking about kim too much, but right now as i work on putting willamette's show into the computer, i'm remembering where i was with her at this time last year, having just come back spending a week with her in colorado, a real forward step in our relationship.

*shakes head*

it's funny how instrumental kim was to making me feel both more assured and confident about myself and more inadequate about myself at the same time.

thanks so fucking much, love. *so* glad you could help me.

*deep breath*

i can't make the words "fuck you" come out of my mouth.

god... i feel like i'm going to lose her. i feel like this anger and bitterness is going to grow stronger as opposed to fade away, and i'm going to forget why i love her.

i feel my shelter crumbling slightly, and i'm also feeling alone. i can't figure out if everyone feels so far away from me or if i feel so far away from myself or both.

ah well. one evening of discontent sleep won't kill me.


( read spoken (6) — speak )
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 29th, 2004 08:00 am (UTC)
i'm here to listen if you want to talk. or i can serve as some kind of distraction. whatever you need.
Jul. 29th, 2004 09:06 am (UTC)

If you need distractions you know where to find me.

♥ N
Jul. 29th, 2004 11:37 am (UTC)
I keep seeing what you're going through with this breakup and these feelings you are having at the moment are ones that I sympathize with (with which I sympathize? grammar blah).

I just wanted to tell you that it's ok to want to say 'fuck you' to someone who hurt you. It's a perfectly natural part of the breakup process. And just because you feel like saying fuck you right now doesn't mean you don't love her less and doesn't erase your memories with her. Being pissed off is not going to turn into something like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and make everything disappear. The anger and bitterness will go away after a while, I am willing to bet.

I wrestled with this for a long time...worrying that I was going to lose my ex. But why go back with someone who hurt me and dicked me around, and constantly have the fear in the back of my head that he would do it again? Eh.

My ex helped my self-confidence immeasureably...but our breakup has made me even stronger and helped me value myself a whole lot more. I hope that once you get through the rough parts that you will realize it's her loss, not yours.
Jul. 29th, 2004 11:58 am (UTC)
i should clarify that the fear i have of losing her and losing my love for her have nothing to do with the hope of us getting back together. as far as i'm concerned, it's over. i don't like to look back at that sort of thing.

it has more to do with the fact that i have never lost the love i've had for any of my ex'es. They are all still an important part of my life, if only symbolically. But with Kim, the state i'm in, the bitternesss i feel makes me worry that i'm going to stop caring about her and push her out of my life mentally.

but i think you're right. it's hard for me to imagine that the bitterness and anger will stay with me.

and thanks. :)
Jul. 29th, 2004 03:18 pm (UTC)
When Michael and I broke up I was just devasted. I did my best to hide it from him (since we were still living together for 2 weeks after we broke up). I couldn't believe that he was "waste" 3 years of my life like he had done...just to say "I like you but I don't want to be with you anymore".

I was devastated for about 4 months. Then the depression and the sadness turned to anger, pure anger. And yeah, I was really, really angry for 6 months but that has passed as well.

It's been a year and eight months and I still hold a bit of anger, a bit of sadness, but I've come full circle with it all. That and I stopped talking to him altogether since he couldn't be nice with me.

As you know, it takes a long time for the heart to heal. But just because you are angry with her now, doesn't mean you'll be like that forever and doesn't mean you'll lose what you had with her.

You do need to get all of that out though, all of that anger, or it will eat you.
( read spoken (6) — speak )


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