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i woke up this morning feeling okay. I mean, i wasn't *great* or anything, but i was... okay.

i spent an hour or so working on the willamette show, and then i putzed around on the internet for a while. a little after noon was when i decided to go play DDR, so i got dressed for it, slung my bag on my shoulder, and stepped outside.

and i think for the first time this summer in eugene, it was really windy, and it stopped me cold in my tracks.

Wind is one of my favorite forms of weather, especially if the air has that right-before-a-storm kind of smell. In high school and at West Chester, i would step outside to a windy day, and i would feel so *free*. I'd close my eyes, take in a deep breath, hold my arms out like they were wings, feel my hair whipping around, and pretend that i was flying. i would lose myself in the wonderfully invigorating sensation of fast-moving air and soar so high.

Wind reaches into something so deep into the core of my soul. It makes all of my intellectual thought fade into the background, sheds my emotional barriers, and brings them to the foreground.

and so today when i stepped outside, when i first heard the wind rustle the massive amount of trees surrounding me, when i felt the cool breeze play with my hair and hit my face, when i breathed in the cool air, my bag fell off of my shoulder on to the ground of its own accord, i collapsed on the ground, and i cried and i cried.

such a sad but beautiful moment.

i cried for about ten minutes, maybe slightly less. At one point, i was heading towards some semblance of stability, and the wind chose that moment to pick up again making me lose it again. at first all i felt was a general sort of grief, a reminder that i'm still so hurt, but eventually it turned into specific thoughts, and all of the intense feelings of anger and bitterness alongside sadness and longing surfaced, lasting for the longest period of time in what seems like a while.

after another five minutes, i picked myself up, got in the car, drove to the ATAM, and played DDR until 20:00.

and as i was driving to the ATAM, as i played my first few games, at one point when Tyler and Michele were playing, when i drove over to Rachel's to pick her up to play cards, when i drove home about an hour ago... i was thinking about her. I spent more time thinking about her today as a result of my breakdown than i have in a long time.

i miss her, i love her, and i fucking hate her.

*sigh* that last part is a lie. but i'm still fucking angry. so angry.

*shakes head*


( read spoken (4) — speak )
Aug. 7th, 2004 10:43 am (UTC)
there is always a thin line between love and hate and hurt will make you feel all things more intensely than any other emotion. . . i'm sorry you're still hurting, but I am glad that you allowed yourself the spontaneous breakdown, you needed it. . . it will help you heal.
Aug. 8th, 2004 09:59 pm (UTC)
i don't know the history here...but i'm never stingy with sympathy. you can have all the lame online hugs i can muster, if that'll make you feel any better...

i feel the same way about the wind. i love climbing on top of my roof and doing similar; except i usually lay on my back and stare at the sky, wanting to fly. that smell of ozone i love as well...
in my dream last night i could fly. it was so disappointing to wake into this reality and find out i couldn't here..
Aug. 8th, 2004 11:34 pm (UTC)
*smiles* there's no such thing as a lame hug. any hugs are welcome and appreciated.
Aug. 9th, 2004 12:07 am (UTC)
hehehe cool... *HUUUGS*
( read spoken (4) — speak )


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March 2017