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the way things are looking right now, when i call her in september, i'm going to tell her that i need more time. for both of us.

what i'm not sure about is how much more time i'll need. again, with kate it took us a couple of years. with rebec', it took maybe a year.

i also have to face the possibility that maybe i can't have her in my life at all.

that would really suck.

*sigh* i'm not supposed to be like that. i'm not supposed to turn my back on someone who i love and who loves me because it would be better for *me*. i feel like i could and should be "stronger" than that.

but those words are twisted truth. to suppress my grief, anger, etc. just for her sake would do both of us an injustice. our relationship was *filled* with lack of communication or misinterpretation of communication, and while we both knew that was happening within the relationship, it's more clear now in retrospect. like i had stated about a month ago:

...it's true that [right now] i feel more free to be myself when i interact with *anyone* else either in person or on the phone than i do with her.

the stupid thing is that in retrospect, i realize that that was somewhat true when we were together too.

i'm still fucked up emotionally, trying to pick up the pieces, but suerocks was right - a part of me comes away from this feeling more confident about the person that i am (or at least the person that i *was* that i'm slowly swinging back towards (though not completely, as that's not possible) because i know that i didn't deserve to be treated the way kim treated me.

and while sometimes it's lonely and feels late in my life, it feels pretty good to be single right now. i don't feel any pressure to have a single person fill my physical or emotional needs, nor to invest my spiritual energy into a single person.

the more "dwelling" part of me wants to offer me regret that i didn't go through all of this earlier, that i should have been single at a time when everyone my age was ready to be single and have fun too as opposed to now when most people my age are more into settling down and getting married.

but i reject that offer. i don't regret my past, not really. I wouldn't be the person i am now if i hadn't made those decisions, and no doubt that my life would be different and maybe even "better" if the path had gone differently, but that's now how it happened, not what i have to work with, and so it's useless to devote energy to it. "if" games are dumb.

working on the SM machine and hanging out with people has set me behind somewhat with Willamette. I'm going to work on it more today, and then i think i'm going to start trying to block my time either in the evening before i go to bed or get up earlier to devote more time to the final touches to the show, as well as getting back into edits for the SM machine, both just for regular play and for the sight-read tourney.

I think i might put the closing statement of the show in a separate Finale file so that my main file is complete and i can extract parts, make it look good, etc. and then not have to reprint out the whole thing when i finish the rest of the music.

right now, though... i think i need a shower.


( read spoken (2) — speak )
Aug. 17th, 2004 11:46 am (UTC)
Michael and I will never speak again. We tried right after we broke up, but he couldn't be civil with me. In fact I saw him for who he really was. Too bad it took me 3 years to figure that out completely.

When it feels right to talk again then it'll be the right time to talk.

If that made sense.
Aug. 17th, 2004 12:55 pm (UTC)
It took me over 7 months to finally be able to say hello to one of my ex's. When it has stopped hurting you when you think about her for a while, that is when you should talk to her. When we did finally talk we were very civil about it, and it was nice to talk to her after such a long time.
( read spoken (2) — speak )


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