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I've MP3'ed a lot of music for easy access on my computer. They fall roughly into two categories: music i listen to often, or music for research/study (like, say, for a music history listening exam). I'm working on creating some playlists via... "category" (for lack of a better descriptor) - "Slow Theraputic", for example. But generally i set up playlists according to artist or composer.

in addition to my created playlists, however, iTunes also has what it calls the "library" where it automatically puts all MP3s added to a playlist or anything that's been converted to MP3 using iTunes. And you can organize them in the same way as any playlist - by title, by artist, by length of song, or you can put it on shuffle, and just hit play.

Currently, my iTunes library consists of 445 songs that would take roughly a day and a half to play through. They range in length from fifteen seconds to forty five minutes, and they cover a fairly eclectic mix of tunes - mostly techno/electronica, like Squarepusher, Plaid, Posthuman, Aphex Twin, Prefuse, etc. but there's also rap, heavy metal, renaissance, "new" classical, rock, experimental - pretty much what i listen to these days, except i don't have any MP3s of Bach or other cool Baroque stuff. Maybe sometime i'll have to pick up Gould's playing of the Goldberg Variations.

Anyway, the point is that by pressing "shuffle" and then hitting play, i create a musical backdrop that's random and eclectic that pops in and out of focus with no real unity or direction, which is kind of how i feel about life right now.

It's a bit different than my normal feelings of direction/unity-lacking, though. The cause of it these days comes more from external stimuli and pressures than my normal internal ones, particularly in the past couple of weeks. Between my ankle injury, my school frustrations, the drum line frustrations/dramas (both direct and indirect), and... i dunno... EVERYTHING else, it just seems like there's so much stuff to address that i have to deal with but i don't have complete control over.

It's hard to describe what it's done to my mood. A part of my brain is still reeling a bit from lindsay's death, though the memorial made me feel a lot better. Another part is just exhausted - the term ended with what seems like an unusually high degree of drama even for me (though i have to remember that I have a history of high drama around March/April, so you'd think i'd be used to it by now). The fact that it's spring break doesn't really help either - because i have more spare time, my body and my brain has shut down some, making me sleep more, yet feel more sluggish.

On the way home from the Tigard show on saturday, Brian got to be the outlet for my frustrations, angst, etc. Our friendship is relatively new but is developing, so he doesn't know a lot about my thought process, so he heard it all come out. I felt bad for unloading on him, but he's a good listener. That's what happens when i've had a huge-ass long day, i'm tired, and i'm in the car for two hours.

Both while and after i unloaded on him, i surprised myself just how much negative energy there was to bring out. i mean, i knew it was there to some degree, but because i've been so busy and distracted, a lot of it has been suppressed and numbed to a point where it didn't seem like it was as big as it was. stuff i'd normally talk about in my LJ or talk about to Minna or Kim or Kate just didn't get talked about, except in generalities.

This lack of focus is evident in the organization of this entry too. sorry for those unfortunate readers.

then again, it's not like...

eh. actually, i'll save that train of thought for another entry. my brain is tired. sleep beckons.


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March 2017