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baby steps

The idea of a public journal is a frightening one depending on its purpose. It's not that hard for me to go on-line and say "Yesterday i went to Scott's to play video games" or "today i had a bowl of frosted mini-wheats for lunch, boy am i glad i bought milk at the store." But in all of the failed journal attempts i've had, i've never conceived of a journal in that way, a journal based on events. My journals have been more "thought" journals than "event" journals. It's not like i don't write about events, but usually those events springboard into deeper thoughts that are churning in my head.

That's the part that scares me about a public journal. For many complicated reasons I don't like to let people know what I'm thinking or who i Truly Am, especially if i'm not sure of that information myself. I'm very controlling of who sees what in me. It's a defense mechanism. I seem to get trapped in this repeating pattern with relationships both platonic and romantic where people think i'm cool, we become acquaintances, we get to know each other and like each other more, we become closer, and then at some point it blows up in our faces, feelings are hurt, and i come away with a distorted truth that i'm mostly to blame and that maybe i'm not the kind of person that people should get close to.

At least that's the simple explanation. I don't want to turn this into a dissertation.

Anyway, at some point my brother started an lj, and it started me contemplating the reasons why i might to have one of my own. The main pull is that I think it's important for me to write this stuff out and not keep it all bottled in, but I've tried to keep a private journal a few times and i've failed at it. I think a private journal is almost too private - no one would know if I've written in it every day or once a year except me, and I've never been disciplined at doing anything purely for myself. But it's still scary for me to divulge to friends and loved ones what i perceive is going on in my head.

So I decided to take baby steps. I started out writing journal entries on my computer with the intention that maybe i could move them to a livejournal. Then i created an anonymous lj account that I didn't tell anyone about because it's a lot easier for me to write to a bunch of faceless strangers that aren't directly involved in my life than my friends. And once i tested those waters, i decided to take the next step - to create a more public lj for people i actually know.

The plan right now is to keep that hierarchy - I want to do most of my entry writing here, but I'm still keeping my private account for entries that I don't feel comfortable sharing with people i know (i'm aware that private entries are a possibility in this account, but that goes back to the "too private" idea mentioned above). As time moves on i might be able to shift more and more of my writing from one lj to the other until my private one dissipates. By creating this lj, i think i'm trying to confront my fears more, go forward in the same way that my brother has.

I'm not sure how i'll deal with this new book of my life, but how I deal with it is part of the point. I'm not writing in here with the illusion that it's about Truth. It's not about revealing my inner self and my deepest thoughts and secrets. It's about how i reveal these things in the knowledge that i'm vulnerable. It's about the perceived truth i give to myself and to the people i know when i know that these are open pages. How well can i fool the readers? how well can i fool myself?

We'll see.

One last note: I suppose that people with good sherlocking skills could find my other lj if they really tried, but... please don't. this is hard enough for me as it is.


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March 2017