Log in

No account? Create an account

prev | next

although i didn't have my private journal for too terribly long, i did manage to reach my twentieth entry, one i used to reflect on my entries so far and to also explain why i anticipated writing new entries with some degree of hesitation. And now, although some of the context and feelings are different, i am faced with a similar task - to reflect and define the past, the future, and the flurry of emotions that goes along with it.

The definitions of "past" or "present" are vague and ambiguous since they rely heavily upon context. In history, World War II is definitely a part of our past, yet in music history, some composers who predate World War II are still considered to be contemporary. To many individuals, events that happened personally a year ago or slightly less - graduation from high school, the patriots winning the super bowl - are considered part of the past, yet the incident (which i refuse to dub "tragedy") of September 11th still speaks to many as part of our present.

My first entry in this LJ was on July 14th - roughly a month and a half ago. Personally, i don't designate that time as part of my past - it doesn't seem that long ago at all. But when I write my next entry, my twenty-first entry, that first entry will no longer be a part of this page. It will go into an archive page that readers will have to make an extra effort to see.

In some way, this creates a concrete definition of present versus past, forced by LiveJournal formatting. My next entry will push my July 14th entry from the present to the past. And the more entries that I write, the more entries move into the past, which pushes that first entry even farther and deeper into what some people could then loosely call my "history."

If i really wanted to, I could change the format of this journal so that more entries will appear per page. But that's only delaying the inevitable. What happens if I set it to 30 and I write my 30th entry? Will i push it to 40? 50? 100? It's too easy for me to cheat the "natural" progression and cycle of entries, a vain attempt to keep things in my present that have long been part of my past.

It's not bothering me this time around as much as it did before - partially because i've done it now already, and partially because there are about three more entries that I want to write and my concern for getting those on the page supercedes the clingyness i have to my past. But there's still that small part of my brain that feels that from now on, when I write an entry, another one disappears. And every time that happens, there's another entry that a random LJ surfer or a new friend might miss. All of my entries represent who i am, not just the front twenty. But who's going to want to sift through all of my life?

So there's a small degree of hesitation every time I want to write a new entry because I don't want to lose the bottom. Yet I have to move on with my life. I can't let time pass me by, or allow my written or "real" life to get stuck in one place. Time, though ambiguous, is constant in its perceived forward movement.

It's easier for me to push forward when I take into account that any present entries I write will be influenced by my past - so that while people may not read those archived entries, they do read entries describing how those past events or thoughts have evolved in my mind, and maybe that should be enough. That's the way life works, isn't it? People don't know about my past, but they see the results of that past in my present. Anything that is still vital to my past is in my present make up, so any impression someone has of me may be lacking in certain details but it will still be accurate.

With LJ, it's easy. anything after twenty entries gets designated "past". Deciding what belongs in my past, present, or past-influenced present is the tough part.

For example:

Earlier last week I sent Rebec' a belated birthday card. I met her birthday this year with a bit of hesitation, partially from the card that she had given to me for my birthday some months before. In it, she reminisced about our past, about walks we used to take at the creek by her parents' house. She listed it as part of a set of memories that made her feel happy and peaceful.

When i sent her this card, i similarly reminisced about our past and also some of our present, and at some point in there, thoughts that were firm but abstract in my head coalesced into things more defined and concrete.

If asked what emotion i have for Rebec', my simple answer would still have the word "love" in it. If i had to give a more complete answer, it might be something like "a comfortable love of what we meant to each other in the past, and a love for what we mean to each other now." Admittedly there are occasional thoughts of a longing for more that flutter in my brain, but those give over to rationality more easily than they used to. After our break up, we went through a lot of hardship before we could rekindle any kind of stability leading to our present relationship, and i'm sure that we both know that any attempt to change that - especially because of a past that belongs in the past - could damage what work we've done to successfully become friends.

I suppose if i tried hard enough, I could get rid of this lingering "past love" I hold for her, but it's a conscious choice of mine to cherish and hold on to it. Even with the little contact that we presently have with each other, her presence in my life is still a comforting one, especially in times when i feel low. Not that that's not true of most of my relationships/friendships both present and past, but as she was my first love, it deserves some special tribute.

i've never been good at completely letting go of my past, and perhaps it's a fault. sometimes it feels like it, but other times it doesn't. i place this in the other category.

sigh. this is the problem when you write a single entry in about five or six sittings. you end up wondering if the entry is any good. oh well. don't feel like editting any more now.


welcome to the lifeofmendel

you can also find me here:

meSubscribe to me on YouTube


March 2017