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The big disadvantage of having a "thought" journal is that usually I need to have a great deal of time and energy to write any individual entry. But sometimes the need to write just comes out ten minutes before you have to be somewhere else. maybe this will be different.

When i was IMing minna the other night, i made a clarification to my previous entry about dehabilitating depression. It's not *exactly* depression that I feel. Depression is mixed in there, but it has more to do with negative emotions in general.

It's true that about... oh... maybe two weeks ago now, it was Just Depression. The kind that made me numb for a whole day, the kind that made me just stay in bed for the majority of a wednesday, consciously chosen because I knew i didn't really have to be anywhere.

But since life has started kicking in again, what with marching band and school starting next week and syllabi to prepare and a competition this weekend and books to buy and electronic studios to put together... it's taken some of the numbness out. You'd think that that would be a good thing, but it isn't always. There's a reason for numbness in the same way that there's a reason you take advil for aches and pains - they're not permanent cures, they're suppressants that help dull the pain until the pain goes away.

My pain hasn't entirely gone away, so the result is that it's easy for negative emotion to take over. depression, anger, bitterness, melancholy, impatience.

Depression i can handle, but I don't like all of those others because other people or groups ending up being the scapegoat for my bad moods. Not to a great degree because, well, it's me, but enough that it makes me feel bad.

*briiing!* time's up. damn. i wasn't finished yet.



( read spoken (3) — speak )
Oct. 1st, 2002 03:39 am (UTC)
ms. anonymous sounding off
first of all, people have got to stop throwing me into their ljs or i'm going to become paranoid!

whew! i feel better now that i got that off my chest. second of all, you and i have talked endless times about you expressing your negativity which you seem to think is such a taboo thing to do. i maintain that it would be better for you and for your friends/other close ones if you let out some of that negativity instead of trying to repress it or withdraw. you can't be upbeat or supportive of others all the time. you need people to be supportive of you, too, including in your times of pain, anger, negativity, depression, etc. so try not to be so hung up on not being "negative" around your friends/family/partner/etc. we just may surprise you.

ok. that's my two-cents worth, which you know already.
Oct. 2nd, 2002 02:22 pm (UTC)
that's not exactly what i'm talking about, though. It's true that i have an issue with expressing my negative emotions to my loved ones, especially those i'm trying to support. In some ways, it's a lot easier for me to express my negative emotions to friends or loved ones who i'm *not* supporting or as close to, if that makes sense.

The issue is more independent of the reasons for my negative emotions. People that are scapegoats for my bad moods don't get my negative emotions. they get the *results* of my negative emotions - shorter temper, bitter and negative sentiments that have little or nothing to do with what's really going on in my head.

A decent analogy would be the first Batman movie with Michael Keaton. Joker is angry that Batman has "stolen his balloons." After going on a tirade, he asks his loyal right hand man for his gun, and then shoots him.

That's what i feel like i'm doing. to a degree.
Oct. 2nd, 2002 11:28 pm (UTC)
ms. a again
i understand that. i still maintain that if someone is a real friend, s/he will deal with the bad times, even if s/he is not the immediate cause of said emotions. that's part of the give and take. we both know you have done this for me many times. what makes you think i wouldn't do it for you? as long as you're not doing it willy-nilly, which i don't think you would, i don't think you should beat yourself up about it too much.

as for all the negative stuff that surfaces that seems extraneous to the actual mood, that is part of the territory, too. sure, it'd be great if you could articulate at all times exactly what is bothering you, but we both know that's not possible. i maintain that you're too hard on yourself, that you hold yourself to a higher standard than you do others. again, just my humble opinion.
( read spoken (3) — speak )


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