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inebriation contemplation

for someone who casually drinks as much as i do and gets buzzed as often as i do, it's odd that i don't actually get properly drunk that often.

part of it is just physical; although i don't have as high a metabolism as i used to, the effects of alcohol goes through my system fairly quickly. The story i'll always remember is many years back when i was up at tyler's place on Chambers and a bunch of us were playing some sort of drinking game. I was drinking a bunch of dark beer on a fairly empty stomach, so it didn't take long for me to move from buzzed to drunk. But i knew that i wanted to drive home that night/morning, so as the game continued i opted to switch to a lighter beer. Someone had bought a 24 pack of rolling rock (something i had never had), which felt like a good switch. And i wasn't drinking the rolling rocks with any less frequency than i had the dark porters, but after a while to my annoyance i discovered that i was still becoming more and more sober. By the time i had gone through two or three of those Rolling Rocks i was back to a light buzz.

another part of it is psychological. People who know me the most understand that beneath the surface of whatever it is that i portray (of which i am ignorant to how i'm perceived, so feel free to enlighten me), the core of my personality is driven by emotion, and particularly emotions that i have for other people. given the degree of emotion that i can feel and how much emotional rollercoasteryness i've been through in my life and the sort of impact my emotional self has had on me and on other people, i developed a very strong ability to exert control over both my actual emotions and my perceived emotional persona. Getting drunk can potentially weaken that ability and put me into a space where my emotional self can come out more than what is comfortable for me.

sometimes it's an important thing for me to allow myself to be uncomfortable in that regard because the ability that i have to exert emotional control can sometimes hybrid itself into the other extreme, a lack of being able to voluntarily loosen those controls. but it's a tricky balance, and it's always changing.

And when i put it like that, it's pretty fantastic, really, because that's what life is all about for me: a constantly changing tricky balance.


note: it's funny how that entry worked out; the reason for writing it came from a particular circumstance that i was planning on leading to at the end of the entry, and then the writing went a slightly different direction which made it so that that particular circumstance no longer had a proper place in the entry.


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March 2017