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dreams past and present

i'm not sure if i just don't dream often or if I just never remember them, but whatever the reason, i'm lucky to recall my dreams in my waking life more than twice or three times a month.

It makes me kind of sad to know that I can't ever remember my dreams, because the few dreams I do remember from when I was a kid are incredibly vivid in my mind.

A quick example (tangent):

When i was either in middle school or elementary school, I had this dream where I was being chased aroundu and around my dining room table by a video-game like monster. Every time he took a step, there was this early-80s video game like sound that went along with it.

The monster took steps at a regular kind of pace that gradually increased in speed. At first, it started at, oh, say, one step per five seconds, and i remember feeling cocky about how I could stay ahead of him. But as time went by, the monster's pace got to the point where I had to run to stay ahead.

The interesting part of the dream was the end. At some point, I tripped, and right then I knew it was all over, so I screamed. Everything started to fade to white, and at that moment, I realized that I was dreaming, that it wasn't real. So i put both my hands to my head, shut my eyes tightly for a second, and said, "dream" or "it's just a dream" or something like that, and as soon as i did, the scene which had started to fade to white started fading back. The monster and the sound of it stepping, the dining room table gradually blurred back into focus.

And i remember thinking, "oh... the scream right before I get caught must end the dream. I guess i'd better scream again." So after a mental shrug, I screamed again, and woke up.

Anyway, i'm not sure what goes on in my dreams these days as a general rule, but I know that at least some of the time I *do* dream, because last night it happened again. "It" being that I remember having a dream. I remember that it was detailed, and that it at least had a middle and an end, an important one. But I can't remember the dream itself.

It's happened to me a few times before, in varying degrees. It's always an interesting experience to remember the effect or emotional impact a dream has on me without the memory of the dream itself. It's a form of amnesia. I'm sad, shocked, angry, hurt, but i don't know why except for some deep supressed echo in my subconscious.

One time, many months ago, I had a dream that I don't remember that well, but it involved a conversation between me and Kate. I'm not sure if she was giving me advice, or if we were just making general conversation, but at the end, she said three or four incredibly insightful short sentences, and then I woke up.

It's those sentences I wish I could remember. I think that when I first woke up, I did remember them, but as soon as my brain became more alert, I tried to grasp the words or at least the meaning of the words, and I failed. Now, the memory of the dream is so faint, it doesn't feel like my memory anymore.

It would be ironic if Kate's final sentences in my dream were the answer to all of my current problems, if the answer lies somewhere in my sub-conscious, and it tried to tell me in the only way it knows how. How many times has it tried to speak to me through my dreams? Give me advice, try to help me, but I either forget it or I don't understand how to interpret it once i become conscious and awake?

My subconscious mind must hate me.

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( read spoken (1) — speak )
Oct. 12th, 2002 03:04 am (UTC)
ms. a, california dreaming
first of all, everybody dreams every night. usually several times. so it's a matter of remembering, not of not dreaming.

second, one way to remember a dream is to place a notebook and pen/pencil by your bed and train yourself to write down the dream the minute you wake up. i have trained myself to remember my dreams by repeating them to myself when i wake up, but i'm not sure that would work for most people.

third (and most importantly), if your subconscious mind hates you by making you forget your dreams, what about mine? i remember on average one dream a night (up to four), and i can only remember one good dream. that was an erotic dream. of the rest, about fifteen percent are neutral. the rest range from the anxiety-laden (not ready for a test, late for class even though i am no longer in school, in the wrong play, etc.) to the sad (partner not available or uncommunicative) to the depressing (friends/family dying. at one point, it occurred so often, a friend joked that you were not a real friend of mine unless you died in one of my dreams) to the horrifying (rape, murder, attempted murder, mayhem, discord). i've had dreams from which i've awoken with my heart pounding and my breathing ragged.

if your subconscious hates you, mine must really loathe me.

( read spoken (1) — speak )


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March 2017