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a random fit of despair

When i was a senior in high school, my choir director died. I remember that they announced it to the choir in homeroom or first period or something. And they said, "Take as long as you need today. Go to what classes you feel like you can, but don't feel like you have to."

So people in the choir were just sitting around the choir room, trying to deal, or at least pretending to for a while. There was some sort of counselor in the room in case anyone needed it. I'm not sure how much she was used.

My memory on the whole thing is fuzzy, but i remember that some people stayed until lunch, and then tried to go to class after that. Some people went earlier or later. Only a handful of people stayed the whole day.

I remember what it was like for me. I think that I felt pretty numb throughout. It didn't seem like i was that broken up about it when i was sitting in the choir room... the choir teacher had a meant a lot to us and to me, but I'm not sure if i really... *felt* anything other than a general sadness and depression while i was in that room.

So i tried to go to one of my classes. It was my physics class. And it was only when I had gone to that class that I realized that I really *was* broken up about it. People in the choir room, they knew what that teacher meant to me. The environment was safe and fostered my need for mourning, even if it was a numbness. But even though they announced the death of the choir teacher over the school TV announcement program, that death wasn't meaningful to anyone in my physics class. Everyone was going on with their normal lives, laughing, joking, goofing off, learning, and i was sitting there, feeling very much on the outside. In a room full of people, I felt so alone. Unsupported... not through lack of sympathy, but just through ignorance. People didn't know how i felt. I didn't expect them to. Even then, i was good at hiding my emotions.

That's the best analogy i can come up with to the random fit of despair i felt when i first started writing this entry. In a public computer lab full of people, I was sitting here, working on some teaching materials for my class tonight, and suddenly i felt attacked. A sharp-turned-numb pain hit my chest, and I had to close my eyes and stop what I was doing. Soon i realized that if i didn't do something, I was going to cry, and I couldn't have that in a public lab. So i concentrated, did some breathing, blinked a few times, and recovered without anyone being the wiser.

I still have the feeling locked in me somewhere, and i suppose it might come out at a later more private time. might be good after I teach to go play some ddr as therapy.

Sometimes ddr is a drug.


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March 2017